In Memoriam

Dear Beloved Baby,

I, for one, will never, ever forget your spectacular backstretch gallop at Churchill Downs, when you shot past the field by 17 lengths and awakened the ghost of Secretariat.

Even Jesse Owens must have wept when he saw it.

Tonight, my daughters and I are grieving.

You were the real deal: No attitude. No roids. No looking back. Just an extraordinary gift of God.

Rest in Peace, Champion. We love you.

Checking In

Hello Amps Nation,

The pro scouts are comparing me to Big Dick but say I'm actually bigger, faster, and stronger. Someday, I hope to approach Eric's records, but for now, I just hope you'll enjoy my high school football card. Mike Martz certainly does.

See you on Sundays!

AP

Not

Everyone say hello to Matthew ( on the far left). He is our new point guard on the Broadmoor Nuggets and leads the Ampsgun attack. Please note Topper on the far right getting ready for another tour of duty in the low post.

We won today 19-16. Matthew had 9 points and Topper went 0-5 with no rebounds and 2 fouls.

Nipping.

I just couldn't leave well enough alone

Learning that Ickey is now coaching the Cincinnati Sizzle of the National Women's Football Association was just too much to take without doing a little research. I encourage all of you to review the league website at http://www.womensfootballassociation.com/ and peruse the team pages. I have included a team photo of Ickey and his squad above, and no, I am not OK. For a closer look, please click the photo. I really encourage you to do this.

I Love the Cincinnati Bengals

What's not to love about the Bengals? Here is a handsome photo and reminder of the last glory days of the Bengals. For those wondering, Ickey is currently the coach of the Cincinnati Sizzle of the National Women's Football Association and runs the Ickey Woods Youth Foundation. Yes, that is correct.

Congratulations to Coach Lewis on setting an example for the rest of the league. Your team defines the Amps spirit. Thank you.

Jan. 25, 2007, 4:19PMBengals' Henry goes to jail, waits for NFL decision
Associated Press
CINCINNATI — Chris Henry got a judge's lecture and a two-day jail sentence after settling the last of his four court cases today, putting the Cincinnati Bengals receiver in line for another suspension from the NFL.
Henry drew a two-game suspension this season for violating the league's conduct and substance abuse policies, and could get a harsher punishment for his latest convictions.
"We are reviewing this and will take appropriate disciplinary action in due course," spokesman Steve Alic said.
Henry has become the symbol of Cincinnati's extensive off-field problems — nine players arrested in the last nine months, two of them suspended by the league during the season. Henry had four arrests in the last 14 months.
He avoided jail time in the first three cases, but was taken to the Kenton County Jail in northern Kentucky today after a judge accepted his guilty plea for letting minors drink in a hotel room he rented last spring.
"You embarrassed yourself," Kenton County District Judge Greg Grothaus told Henry. "You embarrassed a lot of people, teammates, friends and family, the city, the fans and myself."
Grothaus gave Henry a 90-day sentence, and suspended all but two days. Prosecutor Ken Easterling wanted Henry to spend some time in jail.
"Looking at his history and the amount of times he's gone before other courts and not gotten jail time, the reason we sought jail time was to send a very clear message to him that this is going to be the response every time you get in trouble in our community," Easterling said. "So I hope, as the judge indicated, that he gets the message."
When the Bengals' season ended with an 8-8 mark, coach Marvin Lewis sent the message that he was cracking down on player misconduct. Since then, cornerback Johnathan Joseph has been arrested and charged with possession of marijuana.
Six of the Bengals' picks from the last two drafts have been charged with crimes.
"It's good that this case involving Chris has been resolved," Lewis said in a statement. "Now Chris must continue to strive to mature and grow both as a player and as a person."
In the last two days, Henry accepted plea agreements to end the last two court cases against him.
In neighboring Clermont County, he entered a guilty plea on Wednesday to reckless operation of a vehicle. He was arrested last June on a drunken-driving charge, but the results of a breath test were thrown out because the machine was improperly calibrated. Henry had registered 0.092 on the blood-alcohol test, above the state's legal limit of 0.08 percent.
He was fined $250, given a suspended 30-day jail sentence and prohibited from using alcohol or drugs as part of the agreement. He will have to take random drug tests.
Henry's lawyer, Bob Lotz, declined to comment. Clermont County prosecutor Don White said the plea agreement was offered some time ago.
"His attorney is trying to put everything together, get everything taken care of at one time," White said.
On Thursday, Henry settled the case involving underaged drinking. He originally was charged with three counts of unlawful transactions with a minor.
Police said he brought alcohol for three females — ages 18, 16 and 15 — in a Covington, Ky., motel room on April 29. One of the three, Monica Beamon, 18, was charged with murder in Cincinnati last September.
Witnesses said Henry was not drinking and did not buy the alcohol. He pleaded guilty Thursday to a misdemeanor violation of a city ordinance commonly referred to as a "keg law."
As part of his sentence, Henry has to give speeches to high school and middle school students in the area.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has been troubled by the Bengals' series of arrests. When he visited the team last September, he reminded them of their responsibility to stay out of trouble.
A few days later, linebacker Odell Thurman was arrested on a drunken-driving charge, and Henry was a passenger. Thurman, already serving a four-game suspension for skipping a drug test, had the punishment extended to the full season.
Henry wasn't charged in that matter, but got a two-game suspension for his marijuana and weapon cases that were already settled. He could receive a longer suspension for the two latest convictions.
———Associated Press writer Dan Sewell in Cincinnati contributed to this report.

The Man is the Arenas

Well, it's another week and time for some more random philosophical thoughts..

What a great week this has been! Marvelous Monday served us the delicious exacta ticket ( we'll go with the horse racing theme since this is one of Fupa's favorite pasttimes) of Saggy Tits retiring and Carmie coming back from his 15 game suspension for fighting against the New York Knicks. Please remember that Carmie also produced a video in his hometown of Baltimore promoting not ratting out your friends that commit gang violence. All Carmie has done in his two games back is average 30 points while shaking the rust off. I really enjoy watching Carmie and AI, a member of the All Time Amps team, play together. Speaking of the All Time Amps team, I would like to nominate a trainee for this esteemed organization. The disciple of Christ whom I am referring to is Gilbie Arenas, one of the best pure scorers in the NBA. Gilbie has taken it upon himself to declare war against the flong coaching staff of Team USA that cut him this Summer- Mike D'Antoni, whoever the Blazers coach is, and one of the super flongs in the basketball world, Mike Krzyzewski. Please read the following link regarding Gilbie:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2743071

If any one is interested in a Gilbie Jersey, you may peruse them by clicking on this link:

http://www.nextag.com/gilbert-arenas-jersey/search-html

they are all very handsome and would make great gifts. We are all sitting on pins and needles waiting for Gilbie to make his appearance in Denver next season.

Praise the Lord and Hallelujah that FUPA is gone. I'm not sure how great Jason Garrett is, but I guess I am overvaluing him because I'm so glad FUPA is gone. Unfortunately for Shooter, FUPA will be moving to the same city. Maybe Charlie Weis can entice him to make a permanent stopover in South Bend.

I am so happy that Nacious finally gets to play in the Super Bowl. I hope he wins MVP. Or Devvie Hester.

Did everyone see that Mike Shula was hired as the quarterbacks coach at Jacksonville? He and Campo are really forming a powerhouse support staff for Del Rio. I hope David Garrard tells him to FO and gets traded to the Cowboys. I love David. Byron is a cutie, also.

Topper told me today that he read somewhere Mike Vick may get traded for Randy Gene. If this happens I will screen splatter. Speaking of the Raiders, I am so proud of Arthur Shell and what he has accomplished. Hopefully he will find another head coaching job soon.

Vagina of the week ( and maybe the month) has to go to Sean Hannity. The gym that I go to always has him on ( you can't change the channel) and he is the absolute worst.

I'm nominating Gilbie for baby of the month.

Topper just came in the basement, took the remote control from me, and changed it from The NFL Network to The Fresh Prince. This type of " me first" attitude embodies Amps and I am so proud of him. His school team lost today 28-8 and he scored one basket and shot every time they passed him the ball. When his teammates missed shots ( which was all the time), he contorted his face into a sour expression and would make a displeased gasping noise, then would loaf back on defense. I am so proud of him.

Here's another poem to end things for the night...

Roses are red,

Mexicans come mow my lawn,

Praise God and all his glory that FUPA is gone.

Amps joke of the week:

What do old bananas and old prostitutes have in common?

They are both bruised and nobody wants to eat them.

If you still haven't seen Pursuit of Happyness, go see it.

Also, if you think about it, rent Little Miss Daisy just to watch Alan Arkin and the Ampette. It is a pants-wetter.

Out.

My sincerest apologies

Dear Amps Nation,

I am so sorry for forgetting to mention baby Devin in my previous schedule. I don't know how I could have forgotten him. I guess Reginald, Franklin, Pooh, and KD have me too stirred up.

Any way, please accept my apologies. I have included photos of Devin and Reginald to help make up for this blatant misjudgment.

Amps

It's Championship weekend...

Well, it is championship weekend, so what better time than some random philsophical thoughts...

First of all, thanks to the Ampsters for the wonderful photos of DeWayne and KD. I love them both so much and they are going to make a shit load of money next year- and deservedly so.

I would also like to thank Barry Bonds just for being him.

I would also like to publicly announce that I love Franklin Gore, and should I get the top pick in the 2007 HH draft I am taking him.

How long does it take FUPA to make up his fucking mind??????? What an asshole. Waiting around to draw attention to himself while all of his assistants are like rats scurrying off of a sinking - and I mean sinking- ship. James Cameron could entertain this catastrophe as being his sequel- but he wouldn't need Leo to star in it. He could just get c-level footage of Fupa swimming up behind Columbo and Rivera in the hot tub at Valley Ranch and showing them his game plan. He could burst out of the foam like Andy Duphrene did in Sawshank Redemption and scream "Your Ass! Your Ass!" then speed dial Lubbock and his good friend and confidante Coach Knight and tell him about still another conquest. There is always Bobby Carpenter for sloppy seconds. I'm sure Zimmer will be a great fit in Atlanta- one under achiever coaching the biggest bunch of under achievers in the NFL. How long will it be before D'Angelo tells Zim to fuck off? I can't wait. Maybe if FUPA retires or dies JJ will promote Chris Palmer or Tony Sparano. They did great jobs this year. I also read that Dan Henning, " a close confidante ( pole smoker) " of Fupa has the inside track to replace David Lee. Two thoughts on this - Who in the fuck is David Lee? Why in God's name would anyone hire Dan Henning? How much of these retreads are we going to have to see every single season. Get some fresh blood on the coaching scene.

The bottom line is the Cowboys players hate Fupa and they fade every season- and they don't give a shit. His hand picked defense sucks, and Bobby Carpenter is the chief sucker.

Steven Jackson, Shawne Merriman, Marcus McNeill, Dominique Byrd..it goes on and on and on and on and on. I understand that Julius has some good games every once in a while, but he is no Steven Jackson. Please. Plus he went to Notre Dame just like Anthony Fasano ( Did he even play in the game against the Seahawks?). Oh wait a minute, I forgot- Bobby Carpenter dropped two interceptions and jumped up in the air to block a pass. DeMarcus had one tackle and no sacks. Marcus Spears, as usual, did nothing. Kevin Burnett did nothing. Enough already. FUPA, waddle your ass back to New Jersey, hit the bath houses and give a happy ending to Mike Golic. Just leave the Cowboys. Please.. Do you think if we had Steven Jackson and Marcus McNeill that maybe we could have gotten one yard against one of the worst rushing defenses in the league?

Oh, one more thought on our heroes and then I'm done ( I promise). T.O. led the NFL in touchdown receptions this season and played all year with a broken finger- but he's not good enough for Galloway and Spagnola.

I can't wait to watch Reginald this weekend. I am really being a band wagoner and starting to love the Saints. Deuce. Reginald. Marques. Joseph. DeVery. Mother God. Are you kidding me? They remind me a lot of the best team in the history of the greatest league ever, the 1999 St. Louis Rams. Reginald returns punts, kicks, is the best receiving back in the league, and also slams it into the line of scrimmage. He has super human strength and speed, is clean cut, articulate, and media savvy. I can see why the Texans took Mario Williams. All time biggest asshole franchise ever. They just promoted Kyle Shanahan to quarterbacks coach. WHAT? The only quarterback coaching he has ever done is on the California King with Chrissie Simms. Kyle Shanahan is NOT the new type of coach I was referring to earlier in the schedule.

Anyway, back to the games....

I just don't see how the Bears are going to stop the Saints. Deuce and Reginald spread things out, and then you've got Marques and St. Joseph going long- and Drew can get the ball to any of them at any moment. The Bears defense has looked like shit for the past 5 weeks ( remind you of any other NFL team) and their offense is terrible. I can't believe they beat Seattle. Grossman is a joke and Thomas Jones is getting tired. Mr. Berrian is a cutie though, and so is Mushie.

Does anyone seriously think that the Patriots are going to lose? I've seen this too many times. Peyton has looked like shit in both playoff games ( as usual), and Belichick knows how to work that defense. Look for Corey and Lawrence to have big, big, big games. I even think Spaniel Graham will cause some problems. I will never, ever bet against Brady. Ever. I do love Nacious and Reggie and Joseph, though. Kenny Chesney had better be crooning like he's never crooned before for his boy to finally play in the big one. Not going to happen. Take the Patriots.

Ok, who is sick of all the attention that Archie Manning is getting?

Is anyone going to be able to stop the Mavericks this season? They are a runaway train. Hopefully they will keep their focus and make up for last season's debacle. Winning it all is the only thing that will erase that stigma. We'll see what the Suns have to say about things in the conference finals.

I watched Kobias against Duncan the other night. Kobe had 2 fouls in the first three minutes and Duncan was still whining about every single call every single time down the floor. Please watch a Spurs game when they are playing at home and tell me that the games aren't fixed. It is unbelievable. I wish someone would shove a pick axe through Popovich. How great is PJ Carlesimo's gig? He makes like 800k a year and just sits there and makes sure that Pop doesn't stain one of his stylish turtlenecks. I wish Spree had finished the job.

I hope everyone is as proud of Mike Tyson as I am. He is definitely on the honorable mention V-Amps team.

Well, it's getting late and I'm getting boring so it's time to turn out the lights. But I'll end things

with a little poem...

Violets are blue,

Roses are red,

Maybe the decision is taking so long

because Fupa is dead.

"His upside is out of this world."

"It's nearly impossible to compare players and teams from different eras because the game continues to evolve in ways that nobody ever imagined. Tuesday night, I watched a triple-OT game between Texas and Oklahoma State where a 6-foot-11, 190-pound forward (the outrageously talented Kevin Durant, my current basketball obsession other than the Suns) scored 37 points on an eclectic mix of 25-footers, spin moves, jump hooks and drives to either side. He did everything facing the basket. He looked like a 6-foot-11 Tracy McGrady. Trust me when I tell you this: We've never seen anyone remotely resembling Kevin Durant on a basketball court before. If you stuck him in a time machine and transported him back to the Russell-Chamberlain Era, he'd probably average 55 points a game. Just the mere thought of his putting on a Celtics jersey makes me want to start sobbing with joy. "

ESPN's Bill Simmons, commenting on KD

Coaching Isn't Really That Hard

Marty Schottenheimer is a complete flong. How do you not give the ball to Danish more when the game is on the line in the fourth quarter, especially after he gains 6 yards on first down. Why do so many coaches in the NFL over-complicate things. If Danish had carried the ball 30 times, San Diego would have won, because Danish is Danish. Likewise if FUPA had decided to throw the ball down the field to babies T.O. and Terry, Dallas would have beaten Seattle the same way Chicago did, but then we wouldn't hopefully have FUPA quit. I notice Rex Grossman didn't seem to have any problems completing passes to his receivers, and he sucks. If you have someone that is a complete baby, make sure they get the ball a lot. A lot.

On another note, James Lofton and Dennis Green apparently both have interviewed for the Raiders job, making another Ampstrip to Oakland a very distinct possibility. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.

Here is a photo of Dwayne Jarrett, just because.

Another reason to hate Salisbury

The NFL analyst who shall not be named that took a picture of his penis with a cell phone camera and has shown it to numerous, uncomfortable women, then was suspended by his network for it. Absolute true story. Please make sure to clean off the mirror when you are done with it.

And The Big Lead learned this morning that the analyst in question was ESPN's Sean Salisbury.